My Bucket List

Am I the only person alive who doesn't have a Bucket List?  I mean there have been lots of things I would love to do, but I have never made a list of them.   So, I've decided I am making a Bucket List and the first of  two things I  want  to add,  is running a 5K race. I've always wanted to be a runner.  Why? I don't know.  I even have dreams of jogging,  and it comes with ease in my dreams! LOL  I have already began a running program to help train me to run the race.  I have completed 3 days.  I walk 30 seconds, run 60 seconds for one mile.  Each week,  I plan to add 30 seconds to the running  and a half mile to my distance.  The second is I want to know what it feels like to be skinny or skinny in my mind.  I have promised myself that I will accomplish these two things in 2011  and then, I will  add a couple more things to my bucket list!

So, ok I need to get with this!

I looked again in the mirror yesterday, and I swear my knee caps have fat deposits!  Then I went to the grocery store and ran into a co-worker that has recently lost 50ish lbs by joining a gym and  eating right!  She has motivated me so much!  We plan to go to the gym together sometime!  So today I changed my eating and I am logging my calories!  I have got to do this!  I talked a little with my husband about it last night I hope and pray the things I said to him does not come back in a personal attack in our next big argument!

Why did I just do that?

Why did I try on a pair of jeans that I know are tight?  And why did I look in the mirror and see most of the 30ish lbs I have gained in 2010 all on my thighs?  Well, it's not all my on thighs but I swear at the moment every  pound was there!  It put me in a sour mood for a little while.  I seriously just wanted to stuff my face.  I hate when I do that to myself!

The Gym Is my Friend

I started back to the gym a couple days ago.  I did  30 minutes of the elliptical, 5 minutes on the row machine, and 15 minutes on the treadmill, and a few arm weights! Boy was I tried by the end of the night and I could tell I was going to be sore the next day!  I love the way exercise clears your head and kinda gives you a high.  It's getting up and getting to the gym that's my issue! After being away from the gym for a long while I was greeted by a regular member that welcomed me back. It was nice to hear that and know that I was missed.  It really gave me some motivation.

$6 Gym Membership and the Lapband

So, why am I still fat?  I have all the tools right before me and  yet I have not used them to their potential.  Well,  that is the past and I am moving forward.  I am blessed to have the lapband that cost me $100 out of pocket and a nicely equipped gym for only $6 a month. Watch out here I come!

An Emotional Journey

Obese, chubby, fat, fluffy.  They all mean you are fat.  Do you know being called those things  does to a persons self  esteem?  I do.   It doesn't put you in a happy place,  you avoid mirrors,  avoid social functions, and most of the time you feel judged everywhere you go and would rather the floor open up and swallow you  then to  have all eyes on you.  I feel like I've been judged all my life, mainly by the men in my life.  As a teenager my Dad used to tell me during the Summer's that if I  didn't  lose weight my friends would  not recognize me when school started back.  My  first husband  used to call me fat ass, and my current husband has said so many things about my weight, my diets,  and how I am a failure that it hurts me to the deepest part of my soul. It makes me cry.   How does  one forget these things?  How do you deal with it and move foward?  How do you keep those voices out of your head? This is going to be a emotional journey for me. I want to be the one to define me.  I want to love me. And I want to be able to talk about it.