An Emotional Journey

Obese, chubby, fat, fluffy.  They all mean you are fat.  Do you know being called those things  does to a persons self  esteem?  I do.   It doesn't put you in a happy place,  you avoid mirrors,  avoid social functions, and most of the time you feel judged everywhere you go and would rather the floor open up and swallow you  then to  have all eyes on you.  I feel like I've been judged all my life, mainly by the men in my life.  As a teenager my Dad used to tell me during the Summer's that if I  didn't  lose weight my friends would  not recognize me when school started back.  My  first husband  used to call me fat ass, and my current husband has said so many things about my weight, my diets,  and how I am a failure that it hurts me to the deepest part of my soul. It makes me cry.   How does  one forget these things?  How do you deal with it and move foward?  How do you keep those voices out of your head? This is going to be a emotional journey for me. I want to be the one to define me.  I want to love me. And I want to be able to talk about it.